The Approval Trap — and How to Step Out of It

Just when you think you’ve learned the lesson… life sends a sequel.

Have you ever wanted someone else’s approval?Whether it’s for a big decision… or something small?

I sure have.

For many years, I wanted my parents’ and older sister’s approval.

For big and small things.

Mostly, I already knew my answers — because I’m stubborn as hell —but part of me still wanted them to agree with me.

It felt like the world was in harmony when they approved.

Like their yes validated my yes.

Growing Out of It (or So I Thought)

In my forties, I stopped needing my parents’ and sister’s approval.

By my fifties, I was sure I didn’t need anyone’s approval.

Now I’m sixty — and a few recent “red flag” moments made me realize…maybe there’s still a lesson or two to learn.

• I caught myself worrying about what others thought of my pickleball skills — feeling like I had to prove I was a decent player. Meanwhile, if you’re a guy, everyone just assumes you’re good.

• At dinner with friends, they ordered an Asian salad. My body said no, but when my husband urged me a few times to try a bite, I gave in. I’m allergic to shellfish… and sure enough, I got sick.

  
  

Just when you think you’ve mastered a lesson —

Nope!

Life throws you a curveball.

There’s always something to work on.

Sometimes, again and again.

A Curious Question

That pickleball moment got me thinking —

is this approval thing mostly a woman issue, or do men struggle with it too?

So I asked around. I interviewed twenty men and women of all ages.

Here’s what I found.

Men 50+

• Generally don’t need others’ approval.

• Feel confident they know their own answers.

• Were often taught not to be emotional, and to “be strong.”

Women 50+

• Tend to want others’ approval, at least at some point in life.

• Were taught to nurture, to listen to authority, to be “nice.”

• Often question whether they’re strong or good enough to decide for themselves.

Men & Women Under 50

• Still want others’ approval.

• Tend to see others as authority figures in their lives.

• Often worry how others will feel or think about their choices.

Of course, there are always exceptions —

but this is a snapshot.

Wanting vs. Needing Approval

It’s perfectly fine to want approval from others —

especially from people you love and respect.

As long as it’s just a fleeting thought you don’t dwell on.

But needing approval?

That’s a trap.

Needing approval to make a decision —

or to feel good about a decision —

will always get you into trouble.

Why?

Because while we’re all connected… we’re also different.

Different personalities, desires, goals, dreams, thoughts.

And you — yes, you —

are the only one who knows what’s right for you.

You have to put yourself first.

Listen to your body.

It will always tell you the truth.

But What About Responsibilities?

You might say,

“I have others to think about — my family, my work, my commitments.”

Here’s the thing:

The Universe always has your back.

When you love yourself enough to listen to yourself,

your decisions align naturally —

and what’s right for you will also be right for those around you.

It’s not about logic.

If you’re making a list of pros and cons,

that’s usually your head fighting what your body already knows.

Putting Yourself First

Putting yourself first isn’t selfish.

It's not “bitchy.”

It’s real.

It’s authentic.

When you trust your instincts, you step into your true self.

You find that sweet spot where everything feels aligned —

that “Wow, this feels right!” moment.

That’s when you meet the most incredible version of you.

Your light shines bright, and others can’t help but notice.

They’ll want to be near that energy.

And the cycle of light expands.

It doesn’t mean life will always be easy.

But it does mean it will always be true.

Because the truth is simple:

You deserve you.

You deserve happiness.

You deserve love.

Does my character Larleen need others’ approval?

My guess: hell no.

But if she follows the stats… maybe a little bit of hell yes.

Be your inner movie star,

xo, Kathleen Naomi

Fade out… not the end, but another scene in learning to love yourself first.